Lifestyle

Oh, how the days fly by. Winter, spring, summer and fall only to start the cycle all over again. I feel like I’m going around and around on a merry-go-round. I get up, get myself ready, eat breakfast, go to work, lunch and work and then back home to make dinner, do some housework and then snuggle in on my side of the couch with a blanket, bright light and a good book. Once in a while I take a look at the other side of the couch and there sits my husband with his eyes sealed to the TV, his hand wrapped around the remote like someone is about to snatch it away as his eyelids bob open and shut until he’s fast asleep.

Some time ago this would happen night after night. I would shut off the TV and lights and quietly go to bed only to wake the next morning to an empty bed but a good night’s sleep. I would joke with him, “Do you want me to move your dresser to the living room?” He’d laugh; yet we knew something needed to change in our nightly routine.

So we would try to make sure we both ended up in our what seemed like a smaller-than-a-single queen bed. I heard and felt every move, cough and snoooore. I was sure one of us would wake up with a black eye from all the tossing and turning we each did.

After talking to many friends about this situation, I found that sleeping issues for couples are common – but rarely talked about. So I wanted to get some professional opinions on this epidemic that’s affecting so many of our lives and help with the decision to sleep together or apart.

Dr. Joyce Walsleben, RN, Ph.D., Head of Behavioral Sleep Medicine at the New York University School of Medicine’s Sleep Disorders Center suggests the following: Before you make any permanent decisions about sleeping separately, consult with your family doctor. Dr Walsleben says, “The older we get, the more fragmented our sleep can become. Some of the problems causing sleep issues among couples are snoring, movement, gasping, light sleeping and different sleeping times.” She also stated that postmenopausal woman are more likely to have sleep apnea because of the hormonal changes they are experiencing. She suggests looking over the information at www.sleepapneainfo.com or www.sleepapnea.org and sharing this with your family doctor to decide the proper actions to be taken.

Dr. David Gruder, clinical/organizational psychologist and marriage and family therapist, trainer and author of three books including, The New IQ (www.TheNewIQ.com) suggests these three tips for couples considering sleeping separately:

1. Make sure your decision to sleep separately is a genuine reflection of what honors one or both of you, rather than being a smokescreen to avoid any issues you might have, especially emotional intimacy and/or sexual issues.
2. Create a heart-felt commitment to do whatever is necessary to transform sleeping separately into a gift that deepens your connection rather than diminishes it.
3. Establish mutually nourishing agreements for snuggling time, creating lovemaking arrangements and intimate/romantic time spent while awake, so that you turn your commitment into positive results that deepen your love rather than water it down.

After many half-slept nights, my husband I came up with the perfect solution for our dilemma. We purchased a king size bed, one of those beds that you do not feel the movements of the other and a box fan that muzzles the nightly noises. Boy has that helped my light-sleeping problem! He moves, snores or coughs on his side of the bed and I am hardly disturbed, yet he is just a few feet away if I need to snuggle in for a bit, cold feet and all.

All professionals say it is very important for everyone to get a good night’s sleep. It is up to you, your spouse and doctor to find out what is the best arrangement for you. I suggest trying a few different options before making your final decision.

Happy sleeping and loving, Kim